Crazy minutes with Snape
by EttiHun
Summary: Hi, I thought, maybe there's someone who will like my definitely idiots sense of humor. Oh, I'm from Hungary, so if my grammar is not perfect... Well, that's could be possible! Sorry! I hope you gonna like it.
1. Chapter 1

**This is the first time, I wrote something in english. I published a many Hp fanfiction in my language, but I thought writing in english is could be fun too...**  
**I have some issues of my grammar knowledge, so if you find any mistake don't kill me. : )**

Things what he never ever said!

There are many things, what Severus Snape never pronounces his mouth, even if someone telling him, he needs to pay with his life.

1. Dearest Harry, I hope so everything is alright, and you don't have nightmares nowadays. But if it's happening please let me know immediately.

2. Minerva, I've always wanted to tell you, I love your body shape… you look like a pussycat… grrr…

3. Very well, Miss. Granger, 50 points for Gryffindor!

4. Tommy, get out of the show! No hard feelings, right?/ Tommy = Tom Denem/

5. Ahh, Lucius, your hair is always so gleaming and silky. What kind of shampoo do you use?

6. Ccc, Draco you have to apologize to Ron, right now!

7. Hagrid, come on, get drunk in the Three Broomsticks Inn!

8. You know Narcissa, if we met before you fell in love with Malfoy… Well anything could have happened between us.

9. I decided I'm going to be a monk, and I'm going to build up a sanctuary for Potter!

10. Ahh Harry, you flew so well, you really deserve the Quidditch Cup!

11. Albus, I have no time to have tea! We have a Death Eater meeting I can't find my new pink coat.

12. Where is my shower hat? I know that I bought one in the Boots Pharmarcy!


	2. Chapter 2

_Severus was reading a newspaper like every morning, but this time he found some note which caught his gaze._

_1._

If you are around 6'1" tall, slim physique, with a pale, yellowish skin tone, your nose is pretty curvy, your eyes are dark black also your greasy hair… Then please don't read any more, because we don't need a person especially like you for this job.

_2._

You're so lonely because you're alone in your dark, cold, unfriendly basement, but you want to get some excitement? We found a perfect job for you! Be an agent, excitement is guaranteed! If you're interested, please send your CV application with a photo to Albus Dumbledore at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Or you can pick up the Dark Lord, but in his case we can't give you just only an e-mail address, because his residence is unknown...

_3._

A Bankrupt Funeral Company looking for freelance, bored Poisoner. Starting immediately! Payment in proportion to performance.

_4._

Cosmetic companies looking for test subjects to test a new shampoo. The application condition:

– We wanted a person who has especially heavy-duty ability ... Because the test can be long term.

– Use only neglected-looking frumpish clothing, with scruffy, greasy hair!

Otherwise application is NOT required!

_5._

We are looking for a caretaker to the memorial altar of Harry Potter. Apply only with a clean criminal record! This person has to be conscientious, diligent, who will work with great care and love this honorific work.

_Severus made a bitter, scornful smile, and tore the newspaper._


	3. Chapter 3

_Severus and the women. The reason He prefer celibate_

The universe is full of unexplained things. Such as Severus Snape's love life, because he doesn't have one. That is like x-files… But there is no denying we writers, wrote a bunch of romantic fanfiction, starring him. Here are some of the impossible ideas from me. If you like it, be my guest, in use it.

**My Lolita**

In this story his partner is Hermione Granger. Snape fraudulently seduces her, using a love potion. Then after she loses control, Snape take advantage of the occasions and they spend a passionate night together. Of course, as an experienced professional, he didn't want to risk anything. So that is why he used the perfect Exmemoriam spells in the kind, naive Gryffindor student. Hermione feels there is something missing in her life, but she never will figure out what…

**My Story Of Drug Dependencies**

This is a story about a really crazy night, a few artfully twisted grass cigarettes, and a mindless engagement – or proposal. In this case we are talking about the proposal of the old maid. Snape smoke together with Sybill Trelawney, and suddenly he fell in love with her. He became an addict, because, in the very next morning, Snape just realized what he did and couldn't leave without drugs anymore. When he's high, Trelawney looks so beautiful to him, and they have a hot night together.

**You Got A Letter...**

Bellatrix Black Lestrange, spending her well-deserved term in Azkaban. She knows she will spend her whole life in her the dirty cell, but Bella just can't give up her love life. Mrs. Lestrange became widow very young, so if she ever wanted some excitement, she didn't have to do anything, just grab a piece of paper... Snape got a letter from her almost every week, and after a couple glasses of whiskey, he answers them harmlessly... Unfortunately he promises her the worst thing ever. He will wait for Bella until the death.

**Short, Red, Dangerous**

Snape next victim was the lucky Ginny Weasley, who got pregnant after that sweet night, that she spent with the Potions master. The Weasley family wanted to murder, him and the only reason hehe got grace, is the fact of Ginny giving birth to a baby girl. Thank God, the baby looked perfect, and there is some doubt of who was the father, because she had red hair and a normal nose.

**Harassment**

This story takes place inHarry's fifth year, when Dolores Umbridge came to Hogwarts. She met Snape in a shadowy hall, and it was love at first sight. Dolores wants to get him! She started literally chasing him with her love and any weapon she could get her hands on. In the end Snape escaped, but Umbridge didn't take the defeat well. Nowadays she is a patient at St. Mungo's. Dolores met Gilderoy Lockhart, and their friendship became legendary. They wrote a book together called: "Light At The End Of Tunnel."

_I hope you liked it. Please, let me some review, if it's not a too big request. By the way, I found a beta reader: RandomFandom5. Without her help I can write even a word. So I'm so grateful to her._


	4. Chapter 4

4.

It's so awful when you wake up with a bad mood and you already know it, this day will sucks.

Snape has only bad days everyone knows it. But also he's a gentleman, he never takes any violence move, but he has the most manners of sarcastic, and he really knows how use his dark, scary, deep voice.  
Unfortunately, there's always some people are in a wrong place in a wrong time.

Mr. Longbottom

"If you dare to burn it at the center of your desk one more time, I will smash your head into a cauldron. I'm not using your cauldron because if I did your face would melt. Thanks to your lack of talent at Potions."

* Snape roared so loud that Neville's head was coated in saliva.*

Mr. Potter

„POTTER, THAT WAS THE LAST STRAW! 50 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! IF YOU SO MUCH AS SNEEZE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION, I'LL TAKE IT OUT ON YOUR FAVORITE PAL! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!"

*Harry's head was set on fire by Snape's looks.*

Miss Granger

"I know how much you love to disrupt my Potions lesson. I think you are aware of how, how many minute a human can hold their breath. From now on I recommend saving your energy, because we have 25 more minutes in the class and every time you take a breath, it will cost you 5 points from Gryffindor."

*Snape smiled sarcastically and took a deep breath.*

Professor Trelawney

"How many times do I have to tell you, stop following me! I don't care about any of your predictions, because even you can't understand them. If, you can't leave me alone, I will write a letter to your old pal Dolores Umbridge!"

* Snape showed her the envelope with the stamp and envelope on them. *

Lupin & Black

"What is the story, quadrupeds? Black I saw a very cute collar in the shop window the other day. I can take you on a walk in the Forbidden Forest, it's not a problem. And Lupin, I heard a song and somehow I just can't get it out of my mind. I like the chorus: Dancing in the moon light, everybody dancing in the moonlight..."

* After that nice conversation, Snape had to run. Fast.*

Albus Dumbledore & Lord Voldemort

"Do not smirk at me Albus! Have you been eating too many sweets again? I told you; it's not healthy. Just stop it!

Voldemort, you need to sue your plastic surgeon! You look like Michael Jackson. Don't you see it? And if I can give you some advice, a facelift is needed for you."

*These were his last words, because Albus and Voldemort shouted at the same time: Avada Kedavra!*


	5. Chapter 5

**Secrets Of Severus Snape**

One day Lord Voldemort unexpectedly visits Severus at home on Spinner's End. Snape has only three minutes to hide every object that can embarrass him before Wormtail lets Voldemort into the living room.

Take a guess what he's hidden under his bed...

1. Watermelon scented candles

2. IKEA catalogue

3. Pink cat pillow

4. Signed photo of Daniel Radcliffe

5. Ticket to the ABBA musical

6. Ebony Black L'OREAL Paris permanent hair dye

7. A book by Sophia Kinsella called "Can you keep a secret?"  
8. Glitter hair spray

9. Letters from JKR

10. Clinique Anti-Gravity Firming Eye Lift Cream +40 ages

11. Dumbledore's red socks

12. Truly Tasty Cookbook: Mouthwatering Recipes For Chocaholics!

_His secrets remaining hidden, Snape is in luck!_


	6. Chapter 6

**The Truth-Telling Severus**

_The man__tries__to speak the__truth__, and the __reward__is only__pain.__(__John __Hoyer__Updike__)_

_Snape__was a__spy__for so long__that it almost__became a__profession__by__individuals__. __As much as__it__lies in__the words of__the truth__, __there is no one__who would not__doubt it__..._

- I do not like Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans!  
*Snape angrily knocks the candy out of Dumbledore's hand*

-I know someone has stolen the Quidditch Cup from your office, but I have nothing to do with it, Minerva! *huff*  
*he turns his face*

- I Do not send Black to the Ministry!  
* Snape growling beat one of the legs to give a moment's his words *

- No, Miss Granger, I did not read the "Hogwarts, A History" and I do not want to!  
*He throw the book on the floor *

- No matter what you've heard, Lucius, I never flirting with Narcissa!  
*He hits Malfoy on a face, puts on gloves, and challenges him to duel *

- I am not the master of the Elder Wand!  
*He kicks Voldemort like Kung Fu Panda*

- I, washing my hair every week!  
* Snape runs down the school hallway screaming *

-I never got Lily, but that does not mean that I stayed a virgin

- I can't turn into a bat!

- I don't know about Count Dracula!

- I am the Half-Blood Prince!


End file.
